November 29, 2003
The Little Buckaroo in Iraq (Wink Wink)
"Boy, it's a relief to be back from the battlefield. War is hell,
can take it from me. Iraq would probably scare a lesser man."
"Dubby, you didn't go to Iraq. That was the sound stage Karl set
up in the basement. You were never in any danger."
"No, that was really Iraq. There were soldier guys and everything.
I got to wear my Army costume and pretended to serve Thanksgiving
dinner to the soldier guys."
"Those were White House staff members, dressed up to look like
soldiers, just the way we try to make you look like a president."
"But I'm sure I flew to Iraq. You don't mistake something like that."
"I'm afraid you were having another one of your spells, Dubby. You
promised me you would stop doing cocaine if you were elected
president. I worry that you'll do something stupid or dangerous when
you are in one of your spells."
"No, no, it wasn't that. The Big Guy said I was really going to Iraq
and I'd get to be a hero."
"Yes, Dubby, he wanted to really send you there, but Karl wouldn't
let you go. He set up the whole filming in the basement and didn't
tell anyone. We didn't even tell the Big Guy when he came over to
make some measurements in the Oval Office. Why was he doing that,
by the way? Do you know about that? He said something about
he didn't like the desk. And then he asked how your trip to Iraq was
"I don't know anything about that, but I did have to adjust the height
on my swivel chair when I got back. I thought maybe I had grown. .
or shrunk. . .or something because of the adrenaline I was pumping
"Sometimes I think you just don't want to be married to a real hero,
"Dubby, I've asked you not to call me that. Do it again and I'll
the Big Guy you call him Darth Cheney behind his back."