September 23, 2004
The Little Buckaroo Beats the
"Good news, sir. CBS has apologized for their 60 Minutes
investigation of your National Guard 'service' in Alabama."
"Yay, Karly My Man. Do you get it? That nickname is like
Carly Simon. My-man, Si-man."
"Please don't call me by nicknames, sir. The point is that
the heat is off for the time being. The Big Guy thinks we
should try to blame the whole thing on the Kerry campaign."
"What! You mean that dirty deserter made up memos
claiming I didn't serve my country during Vietnam?"
"Please, sir, I don't think it's wise for you to call Senator
Kerry a deserter. We've done everything we can to attack
his hero image, but even our Swift Boat campaign didn't
go so far as to say he deserted. It's been hard enough to
create doubts about whether he was wounded enough or
was under enough enemy fire. As to your serving your
country during Vietnam, you'll remember we agreed that
we wouldn't say anything about that. Try to remember,
sir, we just want the issue to go away."
"But CBS said I didn't show up for duty in Alabama.
Can't we get some of my old Guard buddies to come
forward and tell heart-warming stories about my courage
under fire in those old 'Bama skies?"
"Sir, we can't find anyone who recalls serving with you.
Nobody recalls seeing you. I'm not saying you weren't
there, sir, but it would help a lot if you could recall
the names of any of your old Guard buddies."
"Now, Karl, I told you before: I don't remember much about
those years. I had a. . .you know. . .special medical problem.
That's why I dodged the physical I was ordered to take."
"Mr. President, you must NEVER say something like that in
public. You can just imagine what the Democrats would do
"You mean the old cocaine charges? I've already explained
that was a painful time in my life, past history, something
private that people should respect. Besides I don't do it much
"Another thing you agreed NEVER to talk about, sir. I know
your special problem left you with memory problems, but you
have to work with us on this, sir."
"Hey, isn't cocaine a French word? It sounds kinda French.
Can't we say Kerry invented cocaine, Karl-the-Snarl?"
"Please don't call he that, sir."