October 12, 2004
The Little Buckaroo Confronts
"Mr. President, I've just learned that Senator Kerry is holding
a surprise press conference."
"What? Do you think he's going to resign, Karl? Do you think
my brilliant attack strategy has finally paid off?"
"Somehow, I doubt it. Wait, here it is. He's just coming on."
"I am holding this press conference
to speak directly
to the President and his band of weasels. You have
devoted yourselves during this campaign to attacking
me from every direction in the hope of distracting the
American people from the real issues of the election.
You have taken special glee in attacking my record of
service during the Vietnam War. Clearly, you have
hoped to keep me on the defensive so that I cannot
draw sufficient attention to the damage you have done
to our economy, to our standing in the world, and to
the environment of this planet. Well, all that stops
"I have made an appointment for 11:00
at the District Police Headquarters to submit myself to
lie detector test. I will be asked and will answer
questions, with the results of the test made public
immediately. The questions are:
1. Did you risk your life under enemy
fire to save the
life of a comrade
during the Vietnam War?
2. Were you wounded three times in
battle and win
three purple hearts?
3. Were you awarded the Silver Star
for your service
in the Vietnam War?
"Before you and Karl get too gleeful
about putting me
so much of the defensive that I will submit to a lie detector
test, here's the bad news. I've taken the liberty
an appointment for you at 11:30. You will be asked
1. Did you have anything to do
with the campaign to
smear Senator Kerry's
military service record?
2. Did you completely fulfill
your obligated duties in
the Alabama Guard?
3. Have you ever used cocaine?
"That's 11:30 at Police Headquarters.
Don't be late."
"Karl! Karl! Why aren't you breathing?"