October 12, 2004

The Little Buckaroo Confronts Truth

"Mr. President, I've just learned that Senator Kerry is holding
a surprise press conference."

"What?  Do you think he's going to resign, Karl?  Do you think
my brilliant attack strategy has finally paid off?"

"Somehow, I doubt it.  Wait, here it is.  He's just coming on."

    Senator Kerry:

        "I am holding this press conference to speak directly
    to the President and his band of weasels.  You have
    devoted yourselves during this campaign to attacking
    me from every direction in the hope of distracting the
    American people from the real issues of the election.
    You have taken special glee in attacking my record of
    service during the Vietnam War.  Clearly, you have
    hoped to keep me on the defensive so that I cannot
    draw sufficient attention to the damage you have done
    to our economy, to our standing in the world, and to
    the environment of this planet.  Well, all that stops

        "I have made an appointment for 11:00 this morning
    at the District Police Headquarters to submit myself to a
    lie detector test.  I will be asked and will answer three
    questions, with the results of the test made public
    immediately.  The questions are:

        1. Did you risk your life under enemy fire to save the
            life of a comrade during the Vietnam War?

        2. Were you wounded three times in battle and win
            three purple hearts?

        3. Were you awarded the Silver Star for your service
            in the Vietnam War?

        "Before you and Karl get too gleeful about putting me
    so much of the defensive that I will submit to a lie detector
    test, here's the bad news.  I've taken the liberty of making
    an appointment for you at 11:30.  You will be asked three

        1.  Did you have anything to do with the campaign to
            smear Senator Kerry's military service record?

        2.  Did you completely fulfill your obligated duties in
            the Alabama Guard?

        3.  Have you ever used cocaine?

        "That's 11:30 at Police Headquarters.  Don't be late."

"Karl!  Karl!  Why aren't you breathing?"