October 22, 2004
The Little Buckaroo Talks to
"Dear God. Now y'all know I don't ask ya for much,
this is kind of important. Do you suppose you could stop
talking to Pat Robertson? I don't think he hears good.
"I mean, you assured me there would be no casualties
in Iraq, that I would be magically put onto a white horse with
wings and lead our troops into battle so we could smote the
evil ones and accept the love and cheers of the grateful
multitudes which we went there to liberate from the clutches
of that bastard--excuse my French--that tried to smoteth
"Now, Karl and the Big Guy tell me that everything is
going pretty much according to plan, except for me being on
the winged white horse, and I can accept that, although I'm
pretty pee-o'd about the liberal press pretending that Iraq
is screwed up. But now, that little tub of lard, Robertson, is
saying that you told him it was going to be bloody, and he
even suggests you didn't think I should start a war, excuse
me, a pre-emptive something.
"Now Lord, can't you see how this makes me look in the
middle of my re-election campaign. Those godless Democrats
are having a field day, saying I didn't really get your okay to
kick some Arab ass--excuse my French. That kinda weakens
my support among the religious right, who were only going
along with me on the understanding that I doeth'd thy will.
"So I'm just asking if you could do something to straighten
Robertson out. Maybe you could smote him and leave a note
saying he was being punished for lying. That's one of the
"And while I'm asking stuff, is there anything you can
so that Jesus doesn't look so much like Osama bin Laden. It
would be great if you could transform all the paintings of
Jesus so that he looked more like a good old boy from down
Texas way. I'm not saying he should look like me, but if you
found me a useful model, you have my permission. If none
of that is possible, could you at least make Osama look more
like John Kerry? And by the way, where the hell is he?
"Thanks for listening. This is George W. Bush,
in-chief signing off with a big howdy to my Master Pastor.
"I ASKED YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT!"